My Journey and Musings: Forever Adapting: Part 1 of 6 Life After Nick

FOREVER ADAPTING: PART 1 OF 6 LIFE AFTER NICK

I know its been over a year since I have posted and let me tell you, 2015 was a year of so many ups and downs I am having a hard time figuring out where to begin or what to say. I have always been able to write, let the words flow freely with out anything stopping me. Words are powerful after all and I've always had something to say but as it seems... after everything I think I finally hit a road block, writers block to be specific. I suppose I finally realized that sometimes there are no words, nothing that can eloquently describe an emotion, feeling or event that is beyond words. It's an important lesson that I have learned. But none the less words are still important. I have always kept journals, diaries and the like ever since I was able to form sentences. It mostly started when my grandmother lost her memory. It terrified me. To not be able to remember something, especially the important things. So I started keeping a journal. I also of course started taking pictures a lot. I didn't want to forget a thing. Memories are precious. At the end of the day sometimes its all you have. So I wanted to be able to have these memories physically kept somewhere so that one day when I can't remember... I will have something to read and look at and say "wow, this was my life" But enough about that. Now that I have found my bearing, let me begin.

I had assumed that 2014, when Nick decided he wanted to separate was the hardest of my life. But I was so wrong. I knew things were going to be tough but I had no idea that they were going to be as hard as they were. I was in store for a lot of crazy bullshit. Nick moved out in December of 2014. I knew things would be different but I didn't realize that just because he was gone didn't mean the effect wouldn't linger.

This time last year things started transitioning for me. Things were going to get worse before they got better. I am extremely embarrassed to say that while I was with Nick I was so blind to how much he changed me, how much he had tamed and domesticated me. Growing up I was an adventurous and curious kid. I had so many dreams, hobbies and desires. But one by one he slowly killed them all. Every last one. The sad part was that I thought that out of all my female friends I was the free-est. But of course I was wrong. Once our relationship ended I started to notice all these red flags. Here I was, 29 years old, and having to start almost from scratch. Well not quite from scratch but close enough.
Figuring out your place in the world when your life goes through so many drastic changes and life altering events can be difficult. Especially when you had a plan for your life. You set all these goals and have so much ambition. And you let someone else distract you, try to change you and then next thing you know they have stolen yourself from you. And when things go belly up you don't know where to go back to. Sometimes you can't find your way and you are forced to begin again. Well as far as my story goes... I am trying to find my way back but there wasn't much left to go back to.

Some of the first changes I had to go through was trying to budget everything in my life. I had to learn how to survive off an income that isn't even enough to cover all the bills. I moved in three roommates. Things went smoothly at first. I had money to cover bills, I wasn't lonely, and had thought I was going to make it. However I sadly got taken advantage of very quickly. Now I am not saying I am completely victimized. I take blame for some of it. I am too nice, I am a pushover. But unfortunately I was raised to do good. To help others in need. To do what you can for people who can't do things for themselves due to there circumstances. I gave to much to a wolf in sheep's clothing. He was charming and had me so easily fooled. I learned a very harsh lesson. Give an inch and they take a mile. People walk all over you. I gave everything I could even the shirt off my back so to speak. And I got fucked, royally. I definitely learned a valuable lesson.

Gramps and Eddie

I was so naive

Currently my roommate situation is still on going but thankfully I have some stability. I have gotten along with Gramps, Eddie, Aaron, Katie and Jasmyn quite nicely.

Katie and Aaron

Jasmyn and Myself

Sadly in 2015 I had to learn more than one lesson though. Many things would be lost. I watched a few friendships end.

The hardest friendship that I watched end was mine and Tammy's. You see the Ashleigh that Tammy loved unfortunately was the Ashleigh that Nick molded. But once I was able to start being me again, finding myself. Well she decided she didn't like who I was anymore. We essentially grew apart. It's hard to say goodbye to someone who was such a big part of your life but sometimes life just keeps you moving along, adapting, changing and learning new things whether you want to or not. Now I want it to remain clear that I don't regret me and Tammy's friendship at all. I will always look back on it fondly and have a place in my heart for her. We just were in different places in our lives and it took its toll.

Me and Tammy during happier times.

Now not all of my relationships had this change. Actually, due to some changes some of my friendships flourished.

I gained many new friends and some of my friendships became so much stronger and lastly some were rekindled.

Megan and I

Myself and Jasmyn

Myself and Tom

Amber and Me

Tony and Me

Tmo, Jasmyn, Tony and Tom

      James and Me

     I welcomed in some strong friendships. I became very close with Tom and Tony. Especially Tony. I know he will hate this because he is such a "fan" of mushy sentiment. But I honestly don't know how I would have made it through the year without him. Between everything... Nick, Gage, losing Dan, Tammy, all of it. He definitely kept me sane. Even if he didn't want to hear my bullshit he still was supportive and even though losing Dan effected him more he still was there for me. I can't ever find the words to emulate the amount of gratitude I feel. I will cut it short because I know he is going to call me gay when he reads this. lol. Yeah I know you care about me fuck face.

     Another amazing thing that happened in 2015 was the friends I reconnected with. I am happy to say I am talking to Becky again and I know that things between me and her are mending and will continue to do so. I am also so happy that me and Amber started talking again. The stupid part was that neither of us can even remember why we had a falling out. I hate that it took what was happening with Dan to bring us back together but I am glad it did. I missed her so much. I love her to pieces.

     I am still evolving and learning how to be myself. Everyday is different and I am still alive so I must be doing something right. I have definetly learned some very valuable things:

Don't ever settle just because its comfortable.
Not everyone is a good person and they will take advantage of you if you let them.
Sometimes people simply grow apart and that's just a part of life.
Love who you can while you can.
Age does not define maturity.
Who you are is your choice.
Your best friends can get you through anything.
It's never too late to reconnect.
You can always begin again.

I plan on posting a few more blogs dealing with 2015. Each on a different topic. The next one, part two, will be about Dan. So see you next time, enjoy the following pics.
-Ash