I have tried to start this particular blog entry several times. I feel like full admittance of what is going on in my life will finalize it, a final nail in the coffin. I don't think I was fully ready until now.
April 12th 2014 Nick and I celebrated our 2 year wedding anniversary and 8 years of being together. It was a great night. He bought me my favorite flowers, Daffodils. Dinner was amazing and he told me how much he loved me and I told him the same. Sounds picture perfect right... Well under the surface apparently things were already changing and I was about to find out. The following weeks were odd. He was hardly ever home. He would come home at weird hours or sometimes not at all. I would ask him where he was and get strange answers or sometimes no answer at all. Then on May 20th 2014 just 2 days before my birthday he told me he was thinking he wanted to be alone. That he didn't want to be with me any more. I felt my whole life cave in. I couldn't believe what I was hearing. I had to drag more out of him. I was told it was uncomfortable to be with me and that my weight was a problem (mind you I weigh less now than the day we got married). He went on to say more but it just faded into the back ground while I was screaming inside. I begged for a chance to make it better, to fix it. Not even thinking... wait what about him, shouldn't he be working on us too. I started starving myself, which of course led to more weight being lost. I kept the house ridiculously clean, cooked dinner every night and did everything imaginable to make him happy. But he pulled away even more. He didn't even try. We got into an argument a few weeks later. I asked why he wouldn't fight for us, for me. And his reply I will never forget. "There is nothing worth fighting for" As if it didn't hurt enough that one sentence hurt more than anything else he could have ever said. A lot more was said but that was the clincher. The point of no return. A panic did wash over me though. What am I going to do and how am I going to cope. I spent almost all of my 20s with someone I mean nothing too. We bought a house together that I was now going to lose. I let him take care of me, I had no independence. I put my entire being into this.
Now this isn't necessarily a secret or anything however I don't exactly talk openly about it either but I am a cutter. I have been since the age of 12. I know a lot of people don't understand and never will. It scares people away, a few in particular I am afraid are going to read this right now and walk away. I cut because, especially when I was younger, I didn't know how to deal with or process my emotions in an conventional manner. Of course now at 29 and having had therapy and what not I don't cut nearly as much and know how to feel. There is a lot of studies that most empaths self harm because they are so bombarded with emotions it becomes too much. I am an empath. But anyways, after this started wouldn't you know that none of the things I was taught would help. On the day we officially separated I remember very vaguely calling my best friend Tammy and telling her something along the lines of, I need you. I then picked up a box cutter and sat on my back porch waiting for her. I told myself I wasn't going to use it, that maybe just holding it would calm me down. Without even realizing I was doing it I had cut myself pretty deep. And Tammy had come to the porch to find my arm dripping blood. At the time I had gone completely numb and it took a minute to realize she was there let alone that she ran into my house and grabbed something to clean me up and was holding my wrist tight to stop the bleeding. Now I know what your thinking. I was trying to kill myself and that I am a psycho. Well, I definitely was not trying to kill myself. No one is worth my life and honestly I am actually terrified of dying. And the psycho part... well I am more or less a normal functioning human who at times when someone breaks them down to nothing, falls apart.
The next few things to happen were detrimental to my survival mentally. My best friend Tammy made me get in her car and we left. She stayed with almost constantly the next few weeks. When I wasn't at work I was at Tammy's house. Spending time with her kids, having dinner as part of the family. And even though I could tell her husband Ryan, also one of my best friends, wanted alone time with his wife he never voiced it and for that I am truly grateful. Also my family, my mother and my brothers Jim and Mike, decided that they would do anything possible to help me keep my house. So they agreed that when things get sorted they are moving in with me. I understand how much of a sacrifice this is. To leave a house you have been in for 26 years. I will never be able to repay them for that sacrifice and I hope they know how much it means to me that they are in my corner. To add to these wonderful people in my life many others came forward and were there for me even if it was a kind word and nothing else... it helped. Thank you Alex, Tony, Juanita, Greg, Curt, Megan, Dan, Laura, Amber, Casey, Dwayne, Tom K., Tom S., Joe, Nikki, Isaiah, Lee, Betty, Shirley, Ryan A., David, Kim, Heather, Nancy, Crystal, Luis, Jennifer,Sara, etc. And to anyone I forgot I am so thankful for you.
Now of course this does not mean I did not go through a downward spiral. Destroying what I could on the way down. I have thankfully slowed and hopefully stopped this descent. At first I didn't know what to do. I packed every single day with so much activity that I thought it would keep me busy enough to forget. But while my body was busy with remedial tasks, my mind had plenty of time to think. Too much in fact. I had thought of how I let myself be tamed the past 8 and a half years into a lesser version of myself. I gave up so much for Nick without rhyme or reason. I stopped painting, writing, drawing and even eventually photography. I let myself become to used to being taken care of. I let him take care of everything and I became what I said I never would. A house wife essentially. I used to be so head strong. I at least had a hell of a lot of confidence...oh wait... he took that away when he said what he did. So I truly felt like a broken person. A shell. At first I started drinking as often as possible. Not just buzzed either I mean absolutely hammered. Thursday, Friday and Saturday night I was drunk, every week. I didn't care what happened around me so long as I was numb. I was definitely in denial. I thought, oh I will just drink until these feelings go away. I did not see that I was dragging Tammy and Ryan along on the ride. It really came to a head when I did something very regrettable at her aunts house warming party. And when we made it back to her house I decided to sneak out and drove drunk and was pulled over by a cop. Thankfully I was let go but it was a wake up call for sure. It really made me see the path I was on. I have still been drinking but not nearly as often.
The past month has been a really interesting period in my life. Some of which I wish I could go into detail about but unfortunately cannot. I will say this though, You can really meet some interesting people when you make room for it. I have made a handful of new acquaintances and friends. Some of which only played a small part in this and exited as swiftly as they appeared. But I am glad to have met them since they had a role to play. And others well, only time will tell what happens next. The major turning point in my life was probably when I went to the Masquerade of the Red Death. This was right when I was getting my confidence back. It was a difficult day since it was the 5th anniversary of my fathers death. But on the 25th of October I went to a masquerade in the theme of Poe's masterpiece that shares the same name. I was all dolled up and felt beautiful. Something I had not felt in a long time, and with Tammy, Shirley and Ryan A. in tow we had an amazing night. I was the happiest I had been in months. I felt amazing. The following weekend was also eventful. Most of the things that happened I will keep for myself. But one thing that happened was I marched into Nicks room and just said everything I wanted to say and didn't hold back. I was so angry. Who lets you love them for so long and doesn't even care. When he didn't even react that just fueled my fire even more. I realized that night that I was going to be just fine. I owe Tammy a great bit of gratitude for her phrase "Don't be a pussy, be more assertive." Two great things happened that night because of that encouragement. The latter included.
Although I still have my moments of sadness I am well on my way to a better life. I am rediscovering myself and enjoying the ride. I am gaining my confidence back, losing weight to become healthier, doing things I love, and reigniting passions. Dare I say I feel like I am 16 again. I still have a lot to get through ahead but I know I can make it through to the other side. It may take me a while to trust again and I don't know when the idea of falling in love won't scare me but one day I will be whole again.
*Ashleigh*
I will do what I can to forget the past 8 and a half years of wasted time.
My down ward spiral was a bit chaotic.
I was so busy trying not to feel a thing I didn't notice I didn't need it because I had all of this:
Tammy helped me take down all of my wedding photos
They have been replaced by people who actually love me.
I was able to take care of Joe and Savanna and that always made me smile.
Dan always managed to cheer me up too even though I should have been cheering him up.
It was time I started healing
The Masquerade:
Halloween:
Another Party for Halloween:
I am so thankful for everyone especially everything Tammy has done for me:
I am getting better day by day, hour by hour:
Still losing weight as well
And finding beauty in everything
Reigniting
Some times you just have realize things are out of your control
But dare I say, I am starting to feel happy again...
